Amish Hackers Compromise National Satellites
Expert Security Researcher Who Can't Be Named Citing National Security Reasons
April 09 2009

Security experts are reporting today that Amish hackers equipped with reverse engineered VCIM's have hacked into Instar's vehicle satellite navigation systems and are extorting Instar. "It's horrible. I was headed down Main Street and my Garmin told me to turn right. 20 minutes later not only was I was late for my interview, I went from being in Colorado to driving down Fifth Avenue in New York City." stated a visibly shaken John McSmith.

Amish hackers telekinetically socially engineering state police

VCIM's or Vehicle Comm and Interface Module are a 3-watt cellular device that allows the user to communicate data and voice signals over the national cellular network. It is powered by a fused, battery positive voltage circuit, connected through vehicle wiring to the 3-button assembly and the radio, and attached by means of coax cables to the cellular and navigation antennas. Ground for the module is accomplished by means of dedicated circuits that are routed with body wiring systems to chassis ground points. The module houses 2 modems, one to process global positioning system (GPS) data, and the other for cellular information. Satellites orbiting earth are constantly transmitting The navigation antenna receives these GPS signals and provides the data to the VCIM to be processed. The VCIM communicates with the rest of the vehicle over the class 2 serial data bus. The ignition state is determined by the VCIM through class 2 messaging. Amish hackers are now capable of exploiting these VCIM's and are demanding the immediate withdrawal of automobiles from Reading Pennsylvannia.

"It hit me like a ton of bricks. I hit the button to open the doors, nothing. I called InStar for help and it was horrible. They sent the signal to unlock my door for me but upon going to open the door, it locked. What the hell. Up and down my car locked. Like a fish out of the ocean gasping for air, my car stood dumbfounded. Once the hackers stopped playing with the locks, the radio kept playing Yanni. Over and over. I don't think I can ever drive again." stated Melissa Hernandez-Alvarez-Santiago-Perez-O'Reilly.

An unnamed government official states, "oh they have control alright. Satellites, toaster ovens. That old Teddy Ruxpin doll of yours, it's not safe either. These Amish terrorists have the capabilities and means to infiltrate anything electronically connected. If you ever saw the movie Shocker, well that's the amish. It's real and it's here." stated the unnamed fed.

Skeptics seem concerned with the validity of these and other comments made by government officials. "It sounds to me like its budget time in Washington" stated a security researcher. "Nothing is ever said out of hype. It goes against our principles and morals. We tell the truth accurately and this is the truth. The fact of the matter is, the Amish have felt so repressed for years, it was only inevitable they would use our own technology against us. They're here and they're real. And they're also using our own technology against us. 'Just read Zero Day Exploit: Countdown to Darkness', it's one hundred percent accurate." stated an unnamed government agent.

Proof of exploitation

With all the hype surrounding cyberwarfare and the capabilities of the enemies, the Affliction Research Group Uncovering and Exposing (ARGUE) has been actively involved in uncovering the truths and evolution of these threats: "I woke up this morning... Coffee machine stopped working. I read about the capabilities of those Chinese. Now I'm wondering... Who the hell is hacking into my coffee machine. I would have blamed it on the RBN until I read about China. Now I have to worry about the Amish. Don't they have cheese to churn or something?" stated J. Oquendo, senior ARGUE researcher.

Government officials would not comment on this article citing matters of national security and the need to remain anonymous. "We can neither confirm nor deny that we even confirm or deny what we state. This is highly critical information being gleaned from the book [Zero Day Exploit] and we're placing all the resources of this country behind stopping the threats. However, we can't confirm or deny that. On or off-record" stated an anonymous source so high up in the government we'd have to commit suicide before the government assassinated us for telling you.

"Definitely some scary stuff. All I wanted was a damn cup of coffee"